Monday, 10 February 2014


I imagine there's a huge debate going on that's been raging for some decades between scientists, linguists, and people who haven't got any friends about whether you eat soup, or drink it. I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I've come to the conclusion that I don't give a dog's arsehole. As far as I'm concerned, if it's thin enough to be drunk from a mug, you drink it but if it's thick enough to be eaten with a fork, you eat it. It's not a difficult concept.

I've always been a connoisseur of soup, so I know when I'm eating a bad one and similarly a good one. I can prove I know soups by making a damn fine lentil, a bloody marvellous potato, and a really rather splendid French onion. Although, anyone can make a good French onion soup because it's impossible to make a bad one. All it is is chopped and sauteed onions with beef stock, and if you make a fuckery of that then you aren't fit to live among society and you must be sectioned. I'm looking at you Heinz.

Seriously, who have they got taste-testing the soups that Heinz make? Homeless people? East African children? When it comes to making soup, Heinz get everything wrong. It's like they're going out of their way to mass-produce the world's worst soups. All of their soups, except maybe their cream of tomato, are bits of mushy vegetables submerged in tasteless slime. I've had better tasting phlegm. Whose idea was it to put cornflour in soup? You don't put cornflour in soup! Cornflour goes in gravy! Is soup gravy? No! It is not! Heinz, you do well with your condiments, you really do. You set the benchmark with your beans. But by the power of Greyskull, sort your soups out. Why, for the love of God, do you put chunks of what I think is supposed to be carrot in every fucking soup you inflict upon the general public? If I've paid for a pea and ham soup I expect to find a soup made out of split or fresh peas and with bits of ham in the soup, not a bowl of snot in which you've submerged lumps of all the vegetables you found behind Asda along with WHOLE FUCKING PEAS and cubes of some poor animal's rectum.

It's really fucking easy to make a large quantity of good quality soup. Waitrose can do it, Baxter's can do it, even I can fucking do it. So what the fuck, Heinz? Soup is really easy to make well if you follow a familiar recipe that works, it's when you start experimenting shit goes wrong. For instance, once I left some onions, some red lentils, and a bay leaf to simmer for ten minutes longer than I usually leave it and I managed to burn the soup onto the pan, but even that was preferable to Heinz's bullshit.

A bowl of actual bull's shit is preferable to Heinz's bullshit.

No comments:

Post a Comment