Tuesday, 28 May 2013
101 Things More Productive than General Studies: Part 2
52. The commission, production, promotion, and release of Windows 8. It's exactly the same as Windows7 but with some kind of mental deficiency.
53. Acting like such a God damn fruit that you hurt your ankle.
54. Developing your own versions of YOLO:
YTAB: Your Tits Are Brilliant
SUYS: Shut Up, You Slag
SLAMGET: Stop Looking At My Girlfriend's Excellent Tits
YODO: You Only Die Once
55. Legally changing your name to H. FUCKING, and insisting that it's always written in capitals so my name would become Samuel H. FUCKING Philpott. Also you shout it when you say your name.
56. Opening a bottle of beer with your wah pedal because you don't have a bottle opener handy.
57. Building a multi-level, very intricate, house of cards-like tower out of the shit plastic chairs at my college.
58. New (now fairly old) copypasta:
>attend Cadbury College
>some cleaner bitches at us because the Hub is too messy
>agree to clean up the Hub
>everybody agrees we should slap our cocks on the Hub
>the fucking new guy accidentally cums on Hub
>its to late now, the dude is bitching that the Hub's not clean
>we mix the jizz with some hot chocolate
>we all go away for holidays
>they replace the chairs
59. Running around a heavily crowded public area in the nude because IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!
60. Changing the date of the Mayan apocalypse to September 15th 2015, because in a shock turn of events nothing happened yesterday (22/12/12).
61. Walking into a sexual health clinic with a load of girls all arm-in-arm, and going up to the counter to tell the rather incredulous employee that you're "going to need some fucking condoms!" Only to have one of the girls shout "...and some lube!"
62. Doing mediocre Darth Vader impressions with the cardboard tubes wrapping paper comes with.
63. Blaming everything bad that happens to you on Barack Obama.
64. That thing where you put "in my arse" as a suffix to a random song or film title.
65. Counting down to 2013 half a minute early. Silly Big Ben.
66. Running an ad-campaign for a deodorant brand that's literally just "Clean your balls!"
67. Go to RedTube; search "fast-forward blowjobs."
Cigarette scented incense
Dog shit soap
69. Writing a poem about farting
70. Going to your local video game retailer and asking for such titles as:
Ku Klux Kars: Master Racing
Virtual Manlove in the Middle East
Anne Frank's Hide-and-Seek Championship
London Bus Simulator 2005
Adolf Hitler's Holocaust Tycoon
71. A dirty snow-related pun:
The snow's not the only thing six inches deep tonight.
72. Wearing hench as fuck hiking boots because of their superior grip when Britain turned into fucking Hoth for three months, and then slipping around like a dog on an ice rink because the compacted snow had turned into ice. Unmodified hiking boots don't work on ice, as I found out the hard way.
73. Posting links to shock videos on Facebook all the fucking time.
74. Australian rules of life:
> Live a little
> Watch out for the fucking wildlife
> Help yourself to a fucking beer
> Try not to be a cunt
75. Being so dedicated to shouting full-volume at your, apparently sentient, computer that you angrily clear your throat in order to do it more clearly.
76. Singing We're Not going to Take it by Twisted Sister, but replacing all the lyrics with Hitler.
77. Taking high-resolution photographs of brick walls and passing it off as "abstract."
78. One of my friend Vickie's knock-knock jokes:
ME YOU TWAT!
79. Holding a cup of coffee up to my face so it warms my chin. Ingenuity.
80. The last time I was home-alone, I stripped to the nude and sung boisterously to myself as I had a nude poo. (In the toilet, of course.)
81. Using "your dad wears long johns" as a legitimate insult.
82. Trying to kill oneself with antibiotics.
83. Pointing out that Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin did not have the same style of facial adornment, as Hitler's was rectangular, whereas Chaplin's was a trapezoid.
84. Calling someone and acting as though they called you.
85. Spending a lot of time and putting a lot of hard work into writing an essay and making it exactly 1000 words to boot, only to have written about the wrong fucking thing. Again.
86. Being my 15 year old brother, Ben. He is a crazy motherfucker.
87. Founding my very own Secret Society of Samuels, an elite group dedicated so something, for some reason. There are 18 Sams in this society.
88. Stripping to the nude, smearing myself with my own faeces, wearing a Superman cape, and running around screaming Christmas carols to scare pigeons.
89. Pretend a banana is a mobile phone for an entire day, pretending to answer it in the middle of serious conversations with teachers, co-workers, or superiors.
90. Eat a herculean amount of beetroots just to see what colour your piss goes.
91. Fraping me while I'm logged on to my own profile.
92. Using the Navy Seal copypasta as the main body for your CV.
93. Spending hundreds of pounds on large purple dildos, and then planting them anonymously around college in order to become The Dildo Bandit of 2013, the much anticipated successor of The Phantom Shitter of 2011.
94. Go to a library and shout "Cunt!" at all of Shakespeare's publications.
95. Go to your local music retailer (if it hasn't gone into administration), go to the metal section, take a paint pen. Wherever you see the word "metal", whether referring to the musical genre or not, place quotation marks around the word with the paint pen. For the best effect, wear a Linkin Park t-shirt.
96. Go on Google maps and find all the roads with your surname. If there's one local, go there and conquer the street in your family's honour.
97. Transcribing the lyrics to Metallica's Orion.
98. Calling in sick to work/school/college with the most ridiculously obvious fake ailment, like polio of the lungs, or an ingrown foreskin, but playing it off seriously.
99. Singing along to Eye of the Tiger whilst shitting loudly in a public toilet.
100. My friends Adam and Damon's attempts at winning the Nobel prize for literature.
101. "Game of Tones" A game in which participants must download the most offensive song they can find, and make it their ringtone. Participants must present video evidence of the public use of their offensive ringtone. The more offensive the better. Obviously.
That's it. That's all of them. 101 actual things that are a better use of time than General Studies. I hope you enjoyed them.
Now read my poems, damn you.