Monday, 20 May 2013

101 Things More Productive than General Studies (Part 1)

General Studies is a pointless subject. So pointless, in fact, that I've spent the last two years compiling a list on Facebook of 101 things more productive than it. Which, in itself, is more productive than General Studies.

  1. Sitting in an empty room making popping noises with one's mouth. 
  2. Bread slippers.
  3. Spending an entire afternoon pretending to be telepathic.
  4. Getting up really early in the morning in order to pretend you are the only survivor of some great apocalypse. 
  5. Spending an entire morning making up creative euphemisms for poo. 
  6. Missing the sixth one out by accident, but pretending it was deliberate. 
  7. Toast sandwiches.
  8. Designing and constructing a submarine using only cardboard.
  9. Going around the local park putting straws in all the dog turds. 
  10. Going into a lift full of people and after a few seconds of silence saying "You're probably all wondering why I've gathered you here."
  11. Spending twelve years of full-time compulsory education learning to read and write only to create a Facebook account and write as if you started learning ten minutes ago. 
  12. Wearing a suit all day for no reason. 
  13. Getting up from your seat during a general studies lesson, and running into one of the floor-to-ceiling windows in your general studies room in response to seeing some people you know walk past in the corridor.
  14. Translating nursery rhymes into German using Google Translate.
    "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in German:
    Funkeln funkeln Wenigheit Stern,
    Wie ich frage mich, wo du bist,
    Bis uber die Welt so hoch,
    Wie en Diamant am Himmel,
    Funkeln funkeln Wenigheit Stern,
    Wie ich frage mich, wo du bist.
  15. Writing a song/poem about salad cream:
  16. Yu-Gi-Oh!
  17. Making up words that incorporate other words to make puns.
    Fuhrerious: Herr Hitler found out about the escaped prisoners, he's absolutely Fuhrerious.
    Tyrantial: Joseph Stalin is soaked because he got caught in the tyrantial rain.
    Hitlerious: The Nazi's tactics during the war were so bad, it was Hitlerious. 
  18. Finding out how much of myself I can fit into a large-ish cardboard box without tearing the side.
  19. Lying in hospital watching programs about hospitals and then being all disappointed when the hospital you're in is nothing like the hospital on the TV.
  20. Combining two flavours of crisp to invent a whole new incredible flavour.
    Salted Cheese and Pickled Onion (Cheese and Onion and Salt and Vinegar)
    BBQ Bacon (BBQ Beef and Smokey Bacon
    Marmite (Prawn Cocktail and Worcestershire Sauce)
    Salt and Salt and Vinegar (Ready Salted and Salt and Vinegar)
  21. Running through a supermarket in your underwear shouting "Dinosaurs!"
  22. Killing small animals for sport by stomping on them with large work boots.
  23. Learning Wonder Mike's part of Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang by heart.
  24. Irritating the religious.
  25. Failing general studies.
  26. Designing and manufacturing a car with its steering wheel on its roof.
  27. Attempting to snort Calpol.
  28. Going to a notoriously haunted tourist attraction dressed as a cartoon ghost. 
  29. Playing a game of Twat with oneself and losing. 
  30. Going to the local library pretending to have Tourette's.
  31. Stripping to your underwear whilst repeatedly shouting "Porn!"
  32. Attempting to pass off the ingredients from a can of energy drink as a poem. 
  33. Opposite bands:
    ZZ Top - AA Bottom
    Led Zeppelin - Hydrogen Unicycle
    Deep Purple - Shallow Yellow
    Fleetwood Mac - Fleetsteel PC
    Metallica - Plastica
    Lamb of God - Tofu of Satan
    Job for a Cowboy - Unemployment for an Indian
    Rush - Mosey
    Dimmu Borgir - Fuck knows.
  34. Drawing on your friend's face after he's passed out and doing that creative, original, and above all inventive thing thing where you draw an arrow pointing to the nearest facial orifice and writing "Insert cock here."
  35. Amusing oneself by making a noise resembling an idling tractor. 
  36. Trying to see how long you can watch The Only Way is Essex before your eyes start bleeding. 
  37. Being amused to no end whenever someone says "[thing] smells funny" by replacing "funny" with "like semen."
  38. Making shoes out of Parmesan cheese.
  39. Trying to frape someone while they're still on their fucking laptop. niggers hitler hitler
  40. Chair-shuffling Olympics. 
  41. Going on Dragons' Den in an attempt to persuade one of the Dragons to invest in your groundbreaking new invention; the circle.
  42. Going to a really important job interview wearing a full Medieval suit of armour. 
  43. Doing anything at all in a banana suit. Literally anything. 
  44. My friend Adam said this when he was playing Pokémon at college: "Fuck off, you deodorant-using cuntflap-fucking prick!"
  45. Vaginal euphemisms:
    The Gates to Hell
    The Magic Pink Scabbard of Destiny
    "Area 51"
    The "other" mouth.
  46. Assembling a group, dressing them as Vikings, and then conquering the German Christmas market in Birmingham.
  47. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) This thing, I mean seriously, what the fuck is this thing?
  48. Talking like a Medieval prince for an entire day.
  49. Take three men with Tourette's and send them on holiday for a week. Hilarity ensues.
  50. Killing small, furry animals with a mechanical vice to pass the time.

    I'm not even going to attempt to fit all 101 in one post. The next 51 will be in part 2 next week.

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