Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Good God, it's Nearly Christmas!

Yes, as the title would suggest, Christmas looms down upon us like the Citadel looms over City 17, or the Burj Hotel looms over Abu Dhabi, or Andre the Giant loomed over just about everyone else. In spite of this, I'm not exactly getting into the 'Christmas Spirit'. At my (dad's) house, for instance, the decorations haven't gone up yet, six days before Christmas is due to commence.

The only reminders of Christmas time I have are the constant bombardment of Christmas-themed commercials on the TV and the radio, and the billboards, the bus stop posters, posters in shops, and just about every spare square inch of exposed wall in the city centre. All of which keep telling me "It's fucking Christmas, motherfucker! Just look at these motherfucking Christmas motherfucking deals, motherfucker! Christmas bargains fit for a motherfucking messiah!" and so forth. If you didn't just read that last sentence in Samuel L Jackson's voice, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Christmas also means having to buy people things, which is all very well and good if you have the financial means to do so; being an unemployed student, I do not. It's a good thing my dad buys things for my family on my behalf (he does this for my two brothers as well). I'm so spoiled.

There are of course good things about Christmas; receiving free shit, for a start, tearing into the wrapping paper of your first present; then there's the food, whatever it is you eat on Christmas day where you come from, I have roast turkey because I'm English and that's what we do. No it's not with chips. There are also bad things; I have to cover up all the swastikas in my bedroom, for instance, and I don't think I have that many posters to cover them with. There are laborious things, like putting up the decorations; if we didn't have any decorations, Santa wouldn't know where to put the presents, so he'd just assume we're Jewish or something and donate them to charity and we paid good money for those presents, god dammit!

Christmas is also the time of year Satan gets a load of letters from dyslexic children.
May you have a supremely white Christmas.

I shouldn't have to tell you lot that I don't actually have a load of swastikas in my bedroom, and I'm not actually racist but I will anyway because some of you will believe any old shit, won't you? 

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