"Totally Unacceptable"

So it's been snowing here in England, and many millions of balls of the stuff have been hurled around in frivolous joy as a result. Harmless fun, right? Wrong. According to my college, it is 'totally unacceptable' to throw snowballs (or "snowballing" as they like to call it, as if it were some kind of violent sport).

Now, my college has always been a bit confused as to what is and what isn't as they say 'totally unacceptable'; just recently they banned people trying to give up smoking from smoking e-lites inside the building, so they have to go outside to give up smoking around a bunch of people with real cigarettes, blowing real smoke into their real faces. The reason for which still hasn't been specified, and probably never will be. Cadbury College, let me be the first to indirectly tell you that throwing snowballs is not something that people consider 'totally unacceptable'. Kicking someone in the balls is totally unacceptable; stabbing someone in the face is totally unacceptable; eating a live child for attention is totally unacceptable and a bit illegal, but throwing balled snow, unpleasant though it may sometimes be, is not totally unacceptable.

It's not that I don't like my college, and I do enjoy going and everything, it's just that some of the emails we (the students) receive are a bit silly, case and point: "Beyond a certain "late" time students will not be allowed to enter a classroom."
Why the hell did our vice principal decide to put late in quotation marks? As if the word 'late' is slang, or something.

On that note, I'd like to propose the world's first international Snowballing league. Any takers?
Poo willy bum tits.

Merry Fucking Christmas!!

So it's Christmas Day, and it's pretty safe to say I've had a fucking marvelous day. I've received many fantastic gifts from my family, had easily the largest and best meal I've had since the last Christmas meal I had, and I'm now sitting here, looking at my beautiful new monitor, listening to Rush through my wonderful new headphones, sipping a pint of festive spiced apple and rhubarb cider, which tastes interesting to say the least.

I really do like Christmas, in case you hadn't noticed, or thought I spent my entire year being a skeptical git. Which, to be honest, I kind of do. Except around birthdays and Christmas.

This isn't going to be a long post, I just wanted to wish my very small audience a merry Christmas, you beautiful motherfuckers. In a couple of days, I'm going to be getting absolutely sausaged with some friends, which will be fucking mental in the face, and then on Friday I'm going to have several very young seconds cousins in my room, which I've had to child-proof (which, if you haven't read any previous posts, involves covering up all the Swastikas and removing any metal spiky things I have lying around) which took way more work than I initially thought, but by the good grace of Thor's mighty hammer, it's worth it.

May your holidays be fucking badass as all shit.

P.S:
A few corrections:
A couple of posts back, I said Christmas was looming over us like the Burj Hotel in Abu Dhabi. That was embarrassingly wrong, what I meant was the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. There, now I don't look racist or ignorant.

Also, just one correction.
Penis

Apocalypse? More Like Apoca-Bullshit... Or Something

So it's December 22nd, 2012, and the world hasn't ended like the Mayans said it would. They said (along with a load of paranoid Americans) that the world would end on the day of winter solstice in the year 2012, which was yesterday; so for the past couple of years or so, people have been shitting themselves because they thought the world was going to come to an end in a spectacular explosion, or something. The Mayans even accounted for all the timezones by not giving a specific time, they just said "The 21st." In reality, very few people actually believed that it was Armageddon, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse were going to rise from Hell on their fire-retardant horses and claim people's soles, or rape all the women who sinned, or some shit like that, and Cthulu and Jesus' evil twin brother Horace will come and do whatever the opposite of blessing people is.

The best part of this whole 2012 thing, by a country mile, is the fact that these conspiracy theorists aren't just going to give up and do something productive with their lives, oh no; they've only gone and postponed the bloody apocalypse, haven't they? It's now on September 3rd, 2015, all because they claim the Mayans made a mistake. "What? The world hasn't ended? We're all still alive? That's impossible! The Mayans said, thousands of years ago, that the world would cease to be on this very day, and it hasn't. The only logical conclusion must be that they made a mistake. It must be in 2015 or something. Yes, that's right, it's in September, three years from now. Silly Mayans."

"So what's going to happen in October 2015?" You may very well be asking. Well, my inquisitive friend, the simple answer is, they're probably going to set the date back even further, like they keep doing with the rapture, so this apocalypse crap isn't going to go away for a very long time because neither are stupid people.

Fuck's sake.

Good God, it's Nearly Christmas!

Yes, as the title would suggest, Christmas looms down upon us like the Citadel looms over City 17, or the Burj Hotel looms over Abu Dhabi, or Andre the Giant loomed over just about everyone else. In spite of this, I'm not exactly getting into the 'Christmas Spirit'. At my (dad's) house, for instance, the decorations haven't gone up yet, six days before Christmas is due to commence.

The only reminders of Christmas time I have are the constant bombardment of Christmas-themed commercials on the TV and the radio, and the billboards, the bus stop posters, posters in shops, and just about every spare square inch of exposed wall in the city centre. All of which keep telling me "It's fucking Christmas, motherfucker! Just look at these motherfucking Christmas motherfucking deals, motherfucker! Christmas bargains fit for a motherfucking messiah!" and so forth. If you didn't just read that last sentence in Samuel L Jackson's voice, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Christmas also means having to buy people things, which is all very well and good if you have the financial means to do so; being an unemployed student, I do not. It's a good thing my dad buys things for my family on my behalf (he does this for my two brothers as well). I'm so spoiled.

There are of course good things about Christmas; receiving free shit, for a start, tearing into the wrapping paper of your first present; then there's the food, whatever it is you eat on Christmas day where you come from, I have roast turkey because I'm English and that's what we do. No it's not with chips. There are also bad things; I have to cover up all the swastikas in my bedroom, for instance, and I don't think I have that many posters to cover them with. There are laborious things, like putting up the decorations; if we didn't have any decorations, Santa wouldn't know where to put the presents, so he'd just assume we're Jewish or something and donate them to charity and we paid good money for those presents, god dammit!

Christmas is also the time of year Satan gets a load of letters from dyslexic children.
May you have a supremely white Christmas.

P.S:
I shouldn't have to tell you lot that I don't actually have a load of swastikas in my bedroom, and I'm not actually racist but I will anyway because some of you will believe any old shit, won't you? 

It's Been Awhile

As the above would suggest, it has indeed been awhile. Since I last posted on my blog, that is, and as usual, I can't think of what to write about. This often happens, so I'm not worried.

I can't seem to find much motivation to do anything lately. Maybe I need more sleep, that's what my dad would say. That's why I haven't done a blog in nearly two months. That and I can never think of anything to write about.

I'm trying to listen to Shiny Happy People by R.E.M. on YouTube on a different tab at the moment and it keeps buffering, even though it's running at 360p. This is, I think, because I'm currently using my father's desktop PC, which is okay, it's a rather powerful machine with a decent processor, it's just that I'm using Internet Explorer and I'm not on an admin account so I can't download Firefox or Chrome. By the sacred wounds of the Lord Jesers Crust, this is the worst browser I've ever had the misfortune of having to use. It's slower than a dead horse with broken legs, it can't run YouTube videos without intermittantly crashing, and it keeps trying to push toolbars on me.

Moving away from ranting about things I don't like, I can't quite figure out if having little motivation to do anything productive is my fault. Is it my fault that my mind keeps going blank every time I try doing anything creative? It's really off-putting. Even writing this is taking far longer than it should because I'm having to stop and think for ages every other sentence. It's also really buggering up my college work. I'm finding it really hard to write practice essays for my English A-level because I just don't know how what to write or how to go about writing it. Same goes for my UCAS personal statement. I end up writing about eight lines of text before ceasing up completely because I've forgotten everything about the subject I'm writing for. The only thing I seem to know what I'm doing in is photography, and even then I'm in two minds about it. Only one of the two teacher I have for that subject approves of my work, the other just critisizes everything I do to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. What I really want to do is take pictures of real life, not some moody black-and-white photo of a pretty teenage girl with an emo fringe and too much eye makeup with some text on it saying something like: "Why is life so hard?" or "Look, I'm pretending to cry, give me an A*!"
But I can't take pictures of real life and get anything above a D, so I've had to resort to heavily editing my photos. Which I'm actually okay with because I'm making them look creepy rather than 'moody', but it's not like that hasn't been done before.

I'm sure it'll pass...

Lessons in Time Wasting

If you attend college in England (and possibly the rest of the UK as well) you have to take what's known as an 'enrichment' course, wherein you are taught things like 'thinking' and 'reasoning' and 'critical thinking,' and the most productive of all, 'general studies' which are all things that are supposed to help you get into university. What they actually do is teach you nothing in particular that is any more helpful for getting into uni than being taught first aid. The best thing in the world, without a shadow of doubt, is doing 'extended project' in A2 (second year) because you failed thinking and reasoning in the first year because you were ill. Especially when the teacher isn't there because she seems to be permanently ill. All that happens whenever I actually attend one of these extended project sessions (to call them "lessons" would be like referring to the CIA as an "afterschool club") is a bloke called Richard takes the register, sends us all an email containing a useless document which nobody's going to take the time to read because we're all too busy trying to get an education, and a noticeable amount of time is wasted.

I haven't actually been told what I'm supposed to be doing in these extended project sessions, all the documents tell me is that I can do "literally anything." Like what? At least give me some bloody ideas. I can't ask Richard because he probably doesn't really know either and all he does is takes the register and then bloody leaves. He doesn't come back. He's probably gone to make himself a cup of instant coffee with semi-skimmed milk and two teaspoons of white sugar and sit in the staffroom doing the crossword in the papers.

Now, my father's been sent a letter by the college telling him that I've only been going to 20% of the extended project lessons I've been required to go to. It told him that if my attendance were to drop to below 75% by half term, I'd have to go into college on a day off, and attend an all-day session. Big fucking brass bollocks. I bet what's going to happen is I'll go to the first of my bi-weekly sessions to be told I don't have to attend for the next few weeks because my teacher, although in college and teaching English, isn't quite '100%.' Gah!

Anger Issues

Everyone seems really angry these days. This could be because the vast majority of the people I know are in their late teens and at this age, you either love something, hate something, or couldn't give a shit either way. You can't quite like something, or not really like something, or be impartial to a bit of something on the odd occasion, for instance, I don't know many people who love the PS3 and also rather like the Xbox 360, they either love the PlayStation and hate the Xbox or vice-versa, the same goes for Marmite, Stella Artois, and "heavy metal" band Black Veil Brides.

People always say "The Black Veil Brides". That's wrong. It's like saying "The Spider-Man" or "The Red Dwarf", there's no 'the'. Believe me, I hate BVB as much as the next guy but that's not the point. It's also annoying when people say "Porsh" instead of "Porsha", as it should be because it's German (about the German car manufacturer Porsche, if you don't know what I'm talking/writing about). Same goes for Asbergers. It's Ass-Burgers because it's an Austrian name and the Austrian national language is German, and in German, the letter G is pronounced as a hard G ('guh') if it precedes a vowel within a word. So nyuhh. I mean you don't say "Mer-seeds" (Mercedes), do you?

Anyway, where were we? Anger, that's right. People need to stop being so angry about music that's not to their tastes; it was created for people to enjoy, and they do, so be angry about something worth being angry about, like racism, or homophobia, or Nickelback, or something.  

Goodness me...